View topic - Problem with mother in law.
I need some advice on handling a problem I am seriously struggling with. It's affecting my every day life and now even my sleep. It's not even my problem, but somehow, it's entwined itself into my thoughts and I am becoming increasingly agitated with the issue.
My partner's ex girlfriend (who we lovingly name Faceache) had a child (not by my partner) who lived in the family home (with his mum and dad) for 14 months. At the end of their relationship, she literally disappeared and didn't get back in touch with him or his family for months. She was your lazy, good for nothing dirty mouthed typical skank. Two months after splitting with him she fell pregnant again, and it turned out she was seeing somebody else behind his back. Obviously, he and the family ceased contact with Faceache.
And then I met my partner, and began our wonderful relationship. A month into our relationship, it transpired that his mother was still in contact with Faceache and her children. This isn't the part that bothered me and my partner. My partner told his mother that Faceache was not welcome in the home, and went so far as to include banning her name from being mentioned to him.
Now, his mother seems it perfectly reasonable to talk to me about Faceache and her day-to-day life. At first, I thought she was slipping up and accidently mentioning her, but over the course of months, she has crept into literally every conversation we have. I avoid conversation with his mother altogether now, as Faceache comes up in EVERY conversation, whether the topic is cheese or shopping.
And then it transpires that I am expecting a baby. So Faceache's child comes first, his mother has pictures of her all over the house, she brings her up whenever I am discussing my expected surprise (I am now 5 months pregnant)
Me and my partner are going to move before the baby is born (which I cannot wait for) but until then, I am seriously struggling keeping my anger in check. I don't want to hear Faceache's name, I don't want to know about her life, I don't want to hear anything about her or her kids. She is nothing to do with me, or my partner anymore. I have no idea why his mother still hangs onto her and talks about her like she is the best woman in the world.
The past few weeks have been even worse, and I have literally been dreaming about Faceache, and it is really getting me down. I can feel the anger building up inside me and I don't want to explode at his mother, but she doesn't listen when I nicely tell her I don't want to know. I don't know what to say. I know this is going to continue for the rest of my life, and I have no doubt she will constantly compare my child to Faceache's children. Even for my pregnancy scans, she came along and straight after left to go see Faceache, because the hospital is near her house. I have a scan next week and I need a nice way to tell her if she goes there afterwards, she isn't welcome to the scan. I don't want Faceache knowing the sex o of my baby before my family does. I can't hold this problem in like this for another few months before I move, it's seriously having an effect on me.
Advice?
My partner's ex girlfriend (who we lovingly name Faceache) had a child (not by my partner) who lived in the family home (with his mum and dad) for 14 months. At the end of their relationship, she literally disappeared and didn't get back in touch with him or his family for months. She was your lazy, good for nothing dirty mouthed typical skank. Two months after splitting with him she fell pregnant again, and it turned out she was seeing somebody else behind his back. Obviously, he and the family ceased contact with Faceache.
And then I met my partner, and began our wonderful relationship. A month into our relationship, it transpired that his mother was still in contact with Faceache and her children. This isn't the part that bothered me and my partner. My partner told his mother that Faceache was not welcome in the home, and went so far as to include banning her name from being mentioned to him.
Now, his mother seems it perfectly reasonable to talk to me about Faceache and her day-to-day life. At first, I thought she was slipping up and accidently mentioning her, but over the course of months, she has crept into literally every conversation we have. I avoid conversation with his mother altogether now, as Faceache comes up in EVERY conversation, whether the topic is cheese or shopping.
And then it transpires that I am expecting a baby. So Faceache's child comes first, his mother has pictures of her all over the house, she brings her up whenever I am discussing my expected surprise (I am now 5 months pregnant)
Me and my partner are going to move before the baby is born (which I cannot wait for) but until then, I am seriously struggling keeping my anger in check. I don't want to hear Faceache's name, I don't want to know about her life, I don't want to hear anything about her or her kids. She is nothing to do with me, or my partner anymore. I have no idea why his mother still hangs onto her and talks about her like she is the best woman in the world.
The past few weeks have been even worse, and I have literally been dreaming about Faceache, and it is really getting me down. I can feel the anger building up inside me and I don't want to explode at his mother, but she doesn't listen when I nicely tell her I don't want to know. I don't know what to say. I know this is going to continue for the rest of my life, and I have no doubt she will constantly compare my child to Faceache's children. Even for my pregnancy scans, she came along and straight after left to go see Faceache, because the hospital is near her house. I have a scan next week and I need a nice way to tell her if she goes there afterwards, she isn't welcome to the scan. I don't want Faceache knowing the sex o of my baby before my family does. I can't hold this problem in like this for another few months before I move, it's seriously having an effect on me.
Advice?
QuoteAnd I don't wanna live that way
reading into every word you say
reading into every word you say
To an extent I understand this situation, I currently am locked up in my room hiding constantly from my bfs mother (we aren't married cause he wants to move out before we get married, but we are going too.) now I don't have the pleasure yet of bearing child (Congrats, btw!) but as for the mother-in-law being that way, I'm in a similar boat. It's gotten so stressful that I no longer speak with her, my bf relays things. If your husband (fiance, bf, what have you) is understanding I would suggest letting him do it, talk to him and tell him you don't want her there, and he can relay the message. This way it becomes less your fault (even though it will "always be your fault", hate to say.) and easier to head on. I get left here a lot without my bf, and I literally walk away when I'm being talked too and no longer have convos with his mother, it hurts cause I want to have a good relationship with his family but its hard sometimes.
The important thing to remember is thusly:
People see love, or happiness of any sort they have a process. First, they want to get close to it, then, they want to try and take it, and finally if they can not take it they want to destroy it. Jealousy is a hideous thing. Women are drama, also. She will tell faceache even if she agrees not too, don't allow her to go to the scan. Say this is a time for "Just my husband and I, I want it to be special and for us to be the first to know, and we can tell every after." or something like that, make it not about her failings but how "special" you want the experience to be, which will help it also seem less like you are singling her out.
Just wade through the crap before you get out of there, I understand what its like and I have to wade through it too (different situation, similar issues.) so just hang in there, bite your tongue until it bleeds. There's not much else you can do without someone making you out to be a total bad guy! I hope I helped, I'm sorry you are enduring this. Try to focus on yourself and your baby, the more stress you are it will affect the child, too. You are in a very important stage in pregnancy, play some good music, peaceful music, as much as you can. Hell, even start reading to your child! Focus on the bond between your unbirthed package and your love, everything else is just dust in the wind.
*hug* If you need someone to talk too I'm always free. :)
The important thing to remember is thusly:
People see love, or happiness of any sort they have a process. First, they want to get close to it, then, they want to try and take it, and finally if they can not take it they want to destroy it. Jealousy is a hideous thing. Women are drama, also. She will tell faceache even if she agrees not too, don't allow her to go to the scan. Say this is a time for "Just my husband and I, I want it to be special and for us to be the first to know, and we can tell every after." or something like that, make it not about her failings but how "special" you want the experience to be, which will help it also seem less like you are singling her out.
Just wade through the crap before you get out of there, I understand what its like and I have to wade through it too (different situation, similar issues.) so just hang in there, bite your tongue until it bleeds. There's not much else you can do without someone making you out to be a total bad guy! I hope I helped, I'm sorry you are enduring this. Try to focus on yourself and your baby, the more stress you are it will affect the child, too. You are in a very important stage in pregnancy, play some good music, peaceful music, as much as you can. Hell, even start reading to your child! Focus on the bond between your unbirthed package and your love, everything else is just dust in the wind.
*hug* If you need someone to talk too I'm always free. :)
Move out. I know you said you were planning on it, but what's the hold up? You're already 5 months along. You probably don't want to wait until you're about to pop and can barely pack and unpack before you move, right? And the stress of living with his mom is probably not ideal for you and the baby. So just move now.
It sounds like Faceache was a big part of your partner's life for a while. And it sounds like your partner's mother took to her and her kids. And that's ok. She's allowed to like, be friends with, and visit whomever she wants But I think it's perfectly understandable if you guys don't want Faceache knowing about your private business and if you don't want to talk about Faceache every single day. It sounds like you have calmly explained that to his mother, but she just doesn't respect your wishes. If I were you, once you're out of her house, I would remind her of that again. I would then tell her that if she mentions Faceache again (other than an honest to goodness slip up), you'd hang up the phone, leave her house (if you were there for a visit), or ask her to leave your house (if she was visiting you). There's a good chance she'll start respecting your wishes pretty darn quick if it means less time seeing or talking about her grandbaby with you two otherwise.
It sounds like Faceache was a big part of your partner's life for a while. And it sounds like your partner's mother took to her and her kids. And that's ok. She's allowed to like, be friends with, and visit whomever she wants But I think it's perfectly understandable if you guys don't want Faceache knowing about your private business and if you don't want to talk about Faceache every single day. It sounds like you have calmly explained that to his mother, but she just doesn't respect your wishes. If I were you, once you're out of her house, I would remind her of that again. I would then tell her that if she mentions Faceache again (other than an honest to goodness slip up), you'd hang up the phone, leave her house (if you were there for a visit), or ask her to leave your house (if she was visiting you). There's a good chance she'll start respecting your wishes pretty darn quick if it means less time seeing or talking about her grandbaby with you two otherwise.
Have you recently told the 'in-law' your feelings on the situation? Do so. Publicly. Make sure people see you confronting her about your uncomfortable feelings with the situation and question why children who are not blood-related to her are becoming more important than a child who will be.
Come straight out and tell her the issue- if she has a problem with that, that is all hers. Talk to your partner about it and come to a conclusion. Is he feeling the same way? Is he upset about it? Think about an ultimatum. IF those children have no blood-relation there is no real reason for them to be around. Whether she has a bond with Faceache and her kids or not- she needs to realize that her child and her future grandchild NEED to take precedence over that.
Keep calm. Hormones are of course there and raging so stand firm and strong- hopefully your partner will have no problem being at your side when this goes down.
Good luck!
Come straight out and tell her the issue- if she has a problem with that, that is all hers. Talk to your partner about it and come to a conclusion. Is he feeling the same way? Is he upset about it? Think about an ultimatum. IF those children have no blood-relation there is no real reason for them to be around. Whether she has a bond with Faceache and her kids or not- she needs to realize that her child and her future grandchild NEED to take precedence over that.
Keep calm. Hormones are of course there and raging so stand firm and strong- hopefully your partner will have no problem being at your side when this goes down.
Good luck!
