Hope this isn't in the wrong forum, but just wanted to post up a few poems I wrote a while back. Lemme know what you guys think because I'd love some feedback.
Waves of Heat
A hot summer’s day is all we had
On the beach like an old navy ad
The first kiss was more than sweet
Crashing on my lips like waves of heat
I already miss what we will never be
Lost in the sun, a thousand degrees
Crossroads
Sex is for the weak. Sex is for the broken. Sex is for the cheap.
Does love have meaning?
Shadowed behind lust, desire, and jealousy.
How intimate can we be?
Each time you give a little of your soul.
Can they handle the heart they hold?
A lover of the night, of the month, of the year.
Pressing deep into your darkest fear.
Becoming a hollow shell.
Stuck under an evil spell.
Three words we strive to accept.
Yet so many can’t say, they are so inept.
Living a lie, a farce, a shattered dream.
Can you find the other half of your team?
Lost in this haze of mixed feelings.
The devil will always do his dealings.
Lest your soul be repaired.
You will always be unprepared.
For the love they can give.
Will you submit and live?
Those two are some of my favorites. I'll post up another or so later on. I need help developing transitions and metaphors mostly.
Feel free to post a poem of yours if you want me to look at it or you just feel like sharing =]
Waves of Heat
A hot summer’s day is all we had
On the beach like an old navy ad
The first kiss was more than sweet
Crashing on my lips like waves of heat
I already miss what we will never be
Lost in the sun, a thousand degrees
Crossroads
Sex is for the weak. Sex is for the broken. Sex is for the cheap.
Does love have meaning?
Shadowed behind lust, desire, and jealousy.
How intimate can we be?
Each time you give a little of your soul.
Can they handle the heart they hold?
A lover of the night, of the month, of the year.
Pressing deep into your darkest fear.
Becoming a hollow shell.
Stuck under an evil spell.
Three words we strive to accept.
Yet so many can’t say, they are so inept.
Living a lie, a farce, a shattered dream.
Can you find the other half of your team?
Lost in this haze of mixed feelings.
The devil will always do his dealings.
Lest your soul be repaired.
You will always be unprepared.
For the love they can give.
Will you submit and live?
Those two are some of my favorites. I'll post up another or so later on. I need help developing transitions and metaphors mostly.
Feel free to post a poem of yours if you want me to look at it or you just feel like sharing =]
QuoteLast edited by JonahLight on Tue Feb 07, 2012 6:12 am; edited 1 time in total
Destination Nowhere
Stuck on this subway of no return
smiling like a fool, ticket in hand
a seat next to me empty yet saved
couples abound, flaunting their love
while others suffer like a lost dove
while my road goes unpaved
my lonely heart feels so ashamed
slowly it begins to beat and pulsate
a dashing stranger combines our fate
the conductor stops us with the emergency brake
ignoring him we realize he is a fake
our own destiny young and strong
we leave the subway full of so much wrong
the destination no longer clear but free
a new chapter has opened for you and me
no longer bound by that twisted track
our hearts slowly begin to crack
we die of old age and exist as none
I will still remember you as the only one
Stuck on this subway of no return
smiling like a fool, ticket in hand
a seat next to me empty yet saved
couples abound, flaunting their love
while others suffer like a lost dove
while my road goes unpaved
my lonely heart feels so ashamed
slowly it begins to beat and pulsate
a dashing stranger combines our fate
the conductor stops us with the emergency brake
ignoring him we realize he is a fake
our own destiny young and strong
we leave the subway full of so much wrong
the destination no longer clear but free
a new chapter has opened for you and me
no longer bound by that twisted track
our hearts slowly begin to crack
we die of old age and exist as none
I will still remember you as the only one
Ancient Clock
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
Life has all but left his body,
yet his undying soul still remains attached
to his paling corpse.
Cursed by the sun,
and mocked by
the hand of Death.
The hands of the clock,
slowly cease their tick-tock
as this dark being takes in blood
from his victim.
Coursing through his veins,
this ruby red liquid sustains this being,
keeping him with his dark brothers and sisters.
Blood is his drug.
His cravings are never silenced,
never ceased.
Always hunting
with his hungry red eyes.
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
(It's a bit dark, but enjoy :3)
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
Life has all but left his body,
yet his undying soul still remains attached
to his paling corpse.
Cursed by the sun,
and mocked by
the hand of Death.
The hands of the clock,
slowly cease their tick-tock
as this dark being takes in blood
from his victim.
Coursing through his veins,
this ruby red liquid sustains this being,
keeping him with his dark brothers and sisters.
Blood is his drug.
His cravings are never silenced,
never ceased.
Always hunting
with his hungry red eyes.
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
(It's a bit dark, but enjoy :3)
Questing: 17 out of 800 hearts~
Updated every 50 hearts
P || Q U E D wrote:Ancient Clock
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
Life has all but left his body,
yet his undying soul still remains attached
to his paling corpse.
Cursed by the sun,
and mocked by
the hand of Death.
The hands of the clock,
slowly cease their tick-tock
as this dark being takes in blood
from his victim.
Coursing through his veins,
this ruby red liquid sustains this being,
keeping him with his dark brothers and sisters.
Blood is his drug.
His cravings are never silenced,
never ceased.
Always hunting
with his hungry red eyes.
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
(It's a bit dark, but enjoy :3)
I like it but I feel like the way you split up the lines is a little confusing. I feel like it would be easier to read if you left the sentence whole instead of spacing between them. I was like reading each line individually instead of the whole thing.
JonahLight wrote:P || Q U E D wrote:Ancient Clock
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
Life has all but left his body,
yet his undying soul still remains attached
to his paling corpse.
Cursed by the sun,
and mocked by
the hand of Death.
The hands of the clock,
slowly cease their tick-tock
as this dark being takes in blood
from his victim.
Coursing through his veins,
this ruby red liquid sustains this being,
keeping him with his dark brothers and sisters.
Blood is his drug.
His cravings are never silenced,
never ceased.
Always hunting
with his hungry red eyes.
Blood drips down onto the slow ticking hands
of the ancient clock.
(It's a bit dark, but enjoy :3)
I like it but I feel like the way you split up the lines is a little confusing. I feel like it would be easier to read if you left the sentence whole instead of spacing between them. I was like reading each line individually instead of the whole thing.
Well my teacher taught me how to split up poems that way ><;
Questing: 17 out of 800 hearts~
Updated every 50 hearts
P || Q U E D wrote:
Well my teacher taught me how to split up poems that way ><;
Yeah that's one way to do them but ti's better if the breaks flow together. Putting them randomly kinda takes away from the poem you know?
[size=11]Almost Heartless
Feeling like you have nothing
hidden words only bluffing
disguising pain with false smiles
passing each other down the aisles
never ending until that night
bottled emotions ending in a fight
the romance we so desire
building up an intense fire
set the night ablaze
some of us it doesn’t phase
our hearts turn to stone
cold and dark, all alone
Nother one <3
Feeling like you have nothing
hidden words only bluffing
disguising pain with false smiles
passing each other down the aisles
never ending until that night
bottled emotions ending in a fight
the romance we so desire
building up an intense fire
set the night ablaze
some of us it doesn’t phase
our hearts turn to stone
cold and dark, all alone
Nother one <3
I also liked crossroads, not because of the sex. I think it was well put together
Easter Event
Toxic Rainbow Kisses wrote:I also liked crossroads, not because of the sex. I think it was well put together
Thanks so much!
i love the crossroads,wish i can write poem too.