View topic - Attempt on short poems
Hello all! Lately I've been pretty curious about the art of poetry, and so I attempted to compose a few of my own, starting by posting them in a Word Game thread in Gaia. The rule from that thread game was to use one line from the previous person's stanza, and use it as a start for your poem.
Here they are:
(Untitled I)
I hide but still see
The amber butterfly that followed me.
Wretched butterfly, o wretched butterfly,
To you I must say goodbye.
My prayers for rain, forgotten
Cursing the heavens in wanton
Wretched butterfly, o wretched butterfly,
may the rain, one day, break your wings and die.
--------
(Untitled II)
Yes, departure time is nigh
For the Spectres of the Unseen forego far in between
to the Mother of the Sky
from the Father of the Earth.
"Sanctuary, sanctuary!"
they cry out aloud,
their hearts full of praise,
in the Ancient of Days.
--------
(Untitled III)
Upon a stranger's outstretched hand;
A withered leaf, fading flower
Side by side they lay together
'till the wind of Notus blew them away
from his outstretched hand.
Slowly, ever slowly,
disintegration of the leaf and flower began
Petal by petal, crumb by crumb,
they turn into nothing but dust;
dust and whispers of Fall.
--------
(Untitled IV)
Ushering in new twilight to take back the land,
Gone is the sun, gone is the morning light.
Hark! hear now the people's plight
"If only the time of redemption was at hand!"
(I hate this one the most. Ugh e-e)
--------
(Untitled V)
I shall offer no resistance
Upon broken bonds I dance
My soul takes flight, from the ends of the night
like the nightingales of Spring's twilight.
With outstretched arms I ride the wind,
O much is the joy it brings
For I shall offer no resistance
until I am no more.
My soul takes flight, from the ends of night,
like the nightingales of Spring's twilight.
--------
(Untitled VI)
As I wait for the day
to arrive without delay
Come and taste the fruits of trees
lay on the earth, watch over the seas.
See how, from the mountains
the river, it smoothly flows?
Let it run it's course, my dear,
Where it starts or ends, no one knows.
Rest your body so weary
rest your mind so frail
away from the city life, and into the country.
Love and compassion, not hate, prevail.
As I wait for dusk, light from the sun it lacks
Skies overhead blanketed in velvet black
Still, come and taste the fruits of the trees,
lay on the earth, watch over the seas.
Love and compassion, not hate, prevail.
(I would love to replace a few words, mostly 'hate' with another synonym... but I can't quite put my finger on it... :l )
Sorry for the cheesy poems, haha >.<
If it's ok from you guys, I'd like some tips and advices, and critiques on these. Thank you in advance ^-^
Here they are:
(Untitled I)
I hide but still see
The amber butterfly that followed me.
Wretched butterfly, o wretched butterfly,
To you I must say goodbye.
My prayers for rain, forgotten
Cursing the heavens in wanton
Wretched butterfly, o wretched butterfly,
may the rain, one day, break your wings and die.
--------
(Untitled II)
Yes, departure time is nigh
For the Spectres of the Unseen forego far in between
to the Mother of the Sky
from the Father of the Earth.
"Sanctuary, sanctuary!"
they cry out aloud,
their hearts full of praise,
in the Ancient of Days.
--------
(Untitled III)
Upon a stranger's outstretched hand;
A withered leaf, fading flower
Side by side they lay together
'till the wind of Notus blew them away
from his outstretched hand.
Slowly, ever slowly,
disintegration of the leaf and flower began
Petal by petal, crumb by crumb,
they turn into nothing but dust;
dust and whispers of Fall.
--------
(Untitled IV)
Ushering in new twilight to take back the land,
Gone is the sun, gone is the morning light.
Hark! hear now the people's plight
"If only the time of redemption was at hand!"
(I hate this one the most. Ugh e-e)
--------
(Untitled V)
I shall offer no resistance
Upon broken bonds I dance
My soul takes flight, from the ends of the night
like the nightingales of Spring's twilight.
With outstretched arms I ride the wind,
O much is the joy it brings
For I shall offer no resistance
until I am no more.
My soul takes flight, from the ends of night,
like the nightingales of Spring's twilight.
--------
(Untitled VI)
As I wait for the day
to arrive without delay
Come and taste the fruits of trees
lay on the earth, watch over the seas.
See how, from the mountains
the river, it smoothly flows?
Let it run it's course, my dear,
Where it starts or ends, no one knows.
Rest your body so weary
rest your mind so frail
away from the city life, and into the country.
Love and compassion, not hate, prevail.
As I wait for dusk, light from the sun it lacks
Skies overhead blanketed in velvet black
Still, come and taste the fruits of the trees,
lay on the earth, watch over the seas.
Love and compassion, not hate, prevail.
(I would love to replace a few words, mostly 'hate' with another synonym... but I can't quite put my finger on it... :l )
Sorry for the cheesy poems, haha >.<
If it's ok from you guys, I'd like some tips and advices, and critiques on these. Thank you in advance ^-^
Quote
Art by me.
They're interesting, I don't know much in terms of short poems, I can't say that I can follow them either. Yes, they're creative but they seem to have not story and just be fleeting thoughts and repetition to me.
Questing FROSTSTONE:
4/35k
All of these sound really quite.. sad in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with that of course, I did quite enjoy them. :]
Anyone who is interested in the name of my avatar site, feel free to PM me.
Manga for sale, I need money.
Manga for sale, I need money.
I like those cheesy poems.
Especially the last one.
The repetition of hate works for it, so I dont see the need to replace it with anything ;u;
Especially the last one.
The repetition of hate works for it, so I dont see the need to replace it with anything ;u;
@Yume: They do? Ah well, I'm glad you enjoyed them.. maybe my subconscious is rearing it's head through the poems ;u;
@Hikari Alien: Awesome. Awesoooome. I'm happy you like the last one there :D
I don't know, maybe I'll be posting more poems here...? x_x
@Hikari Alien: Awesome. Awesoooome. I'm happy you like the last one there :D
I don't know, maybe I'll be posting more poems here...? x_x
Art by me.
I enjoy your work very much. I have written similar pieces.. well not of the same topic, well its hard to explain. I like the butterfly one a lot. Just the part of the rain ripping it to pieces pleases me only because butterflies sorta freak me out.
I only get on for events. ;-;
I LOVED the last one. The fourth made me laugh a bit though, (no offense) but just because it sounded really old. Especially 'hark'. But maybe it's a style trying to break out? I could see it somehow in the other poems though, so I say it may be a style. Try doing more lines like those, I suggest?
"Of course it's all in your head, Harry. But that doesn't mean it isn't real."
~Toffee was here~
I'd like to recommend you an awesome introduction to and induction in poetry by Stephen Fry, if you haven't read it. The Ode Less Travelled is instructive, engaging, and inspiring. Best purchase I've made in a while. :3 I'm tentatively making my first attempts at half-decent poetry, and it's helped me a lot.
Currently selling: two Wizard Apprentices.
Verb all of the words.
Verb all of the words.
@Taffeta: lol, it's alright! I hate the 'poems' I made in the first post, no matter how much I look at them, they still sound pretty darn cheesy to me xD And uh, what kinds of lines are you referring to?
@Lucks: Oooh, thanks for the recommendation, Lucks! I'll try to find that book and buy it if I can. :D
@Lucks: Oooh, thanks for the recommendation, Lucks! I'll try to find that book and buy it if I can. :D
Art by me.
I like how there written in almost in old english tone it makes it sound professional and classy. Short poems can be tricky because your presenting an complex idea in a few amount of words but you seem to be very poetically incline :) I like
More recent poems, earliest probably dating a month or two months ago xD
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(Untitled XXXI)
Through valleys with windmills, and underhills
Stained, crooked feet slaughter the ground
With angry steps weary from the days,
Till they falter and wither and cease to go on.
And as I pray, Father God if you may
Deliver me from myself for the black ships are here.
With the softness of an angel's touch-
Sins of old reduced to nothing much-
Your forgiveness; does it make me whole.
And the black ships; they are no longer here.
--------
(Untitled XXXII)
With last night's drop of crystalline kiss
Savage shadows pranced as tongues of ice danced
Drowning in an unseen sea of utter mangled bliss.
Corvids of ebony, quickly they took to the trees
Watching the silhouettes do leaps and pirouettes
Before the very image of a man on his knees.
In unison the corvids and shadows whirled;
He watched in horror as the things merged together
Into a beastly composition of nightmarish qualms.
Weakened by his fear, he tried to flee
But escape he did not; deep inside he besot.
Then and there the thing ate him, oh so gleefully.
(This was based on thispicture. First attempt in someone's poem thread in Gaia.)
--------
(Untitled XXXIII)
Good night, little ones, good night and sleep tight
May your dreams bring you Heaven's delight.
Take my hand, little ones, let me be your guide
Through the lilac clouds and vast velvet sky.
Follow, follow me to Paradise for the night
May you be blessed by Heaven's delight.
(Based on this picture. My second attempt for a challenge in someone's poem thread in Gaia.)
Art by me.
I really like the language you use in your poems and I really like the feel they give and imagery. I encourage you to keep writing.
