Ernya.com

Rydia wrote:Okay, I came up with more to that passage...its really rough, and the grammar is horrible. But, here it is:



It was a Thursday afternoon, a week before I turned sixteen. I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. I thought it was bizarre at first then everything fell into place and started to make sense. That is when my grandmother told me that in a weeks time my whole world would change and turn upside down.
That was not the case, However, my world remained the same. I learned of my life before this one, and how I was a descendent of the most powerful beings on Earth. No, we're nothing like a vampire or a werewolf. In fact, let us go a bit farther back, to the fairy tales you read as a kid.
We are Empaths.
And We are a breed of fairies that live among the humans on Earth. We are all born with magical abilities, unless you're a nobody, and each Empath has their own unique special ability. Those powers however, don't show until you turn sixteen. That is known as the “coming of age”; becoming an adult in Empath years. Some of those Empaths have no abilities at all, the “nobodies”.
My grandmother was the Queen before she lost her crown to her evil sister, who wants to make the Empaths her own army, and take over the human race completely.
I was told that I was the only one who could stop her.
But, I am one of those nobodies and without a power I have no clue how I would even begin to defeat her.
I am Lucy O'Neill and this is my story.[/i]

Well, let me put my two cents on this. The first paragraph is kind of awkward. You reference time a lot. Although the first two sentence could be remedied if you switched the order.

"I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. It was a [feel free to add a adjective here to affirm why it was so memorable] Thursday afternoon, a week before I turned sixteen."

"then everything fell into place and started to make sense." is a bit redundant because in this context they have the same meaning. Same with "whole world would change and turn upside down." Both phrases basically mean the same thing.

"the most powerful beings on Earth" the most? or one of the most? It kind of makes a big difference to the story. Are you planning on being inclusive of only dealing with 'Empaths' or are you going to interact with other mythical beings?

About that title of these fairies..why Empaths? Is it like Tangible asked, that it's somehow linked to their abilities? Yet at the same time you stated that they have unique/special abilities. Do they have a series of abilities that they share and then they have their own individual abilities?

Bringing up werewolves and vampires is a tad bit confusing as well, unless you plan on them having some sort of role in your story? It seems rather abrupt how you bring them up and then toss them away. Plus, why werewolves and vampires? Why not trolls and dragons? Then you mention fairy tales but you don't reference which fairy tale in particular. Are we, as a reader, suppose to know which fairy tale?

"We are all born with magical abilities, unless you're a nobody." Might be better worded with blessed or gifted. There doesn't seem to be a point in claiming all when in the very same sentence you tell the readers, "Oh wait, no I lied."

The title "nobodies" for those without abilities say a lot about these breeds of fairies. It means they invest a lot of pride/respect/honor into said abilities.


In my opinion this was probably the hook of the passage.
"I was told that I was the only one who could stop her.
But, I am one of those nobodies and without a power I have no clue how I would even begin to defeat her."

It sets a platform for your narrator which is good.

Apparently, I'm really nit picky which I apologize for. >_>
It's not really a new concept but in this day in age there really isn't any concept that hasn't already been used once before. It's the matter of originality on how you set up the plot, characters, and background story.